Tips to Help Your Older Child Welcome The New Baby

The thought of bringing a second (or third…) child into a family can sometimes be overwhelming to parents. They may wonder if they have enough love to go around, or if they are being disloyal to the first child. When a child seems unhappy or anxious about the impending birth of a new baby, some parents blame themselves for not being able to smooth out everything.

Each child is unique, and no one can predict how each will react. Unfortunately, it is practically impossible to prevent all expressions of sibling rivalry, even if your preparation for your child is thorough and seemingly complete. Some children may fantasize that they are being replaced in your affections because he or she may have disobeyed you and been scolded. All ages may feel left out, and some may regress in behavior by asking for a bottle, wetting the bed, or sucking their thumbs. However, handling sibling relationships with love, and affirming each child’s place in the home, will go a long way in easing the transition.

It´s a good idea to begin preparing your child for the new baby while you are pregnant, keeping in mind your child´s age and maturity level. Try to announce the pregnancy early enough to allow your child to be included in preparations and to develop positive feelings about the new baby.

Involving Your Child Before The Birth: Consider your child´s age and maturity level while discussing your pregnancy. In young children, very simple explanations will probably be sufficient, while more detailed explanations may be required by older children. You may consider the following:

• Tell your child when you tell other people and don´t expect your child to keep it secret either.
• Young children have a poor concept of time, and your pregnancy, which seems long to you, may seem to stretch forever to a child. Try to tie the event to something familiar to your child - Christmas, Valentine´s Day, perhaps. Sometimes, making a special calendar together may help the child who is repeatedly asking when the baby is going to arrive. Remember making paper chains with glue and strips of paper when you were a child? Make a chain, one loop for each day until your due date. This way, your child can tear off a loop every day, and visually see how long it is before the baby arrives. This will help the young child, who has a poor concept of time.
• Talk with your child about both baby "sister or brother" so she won´t have her heart set on one or the other.
• Read books to your child about pregnancy, birth, new babies, and feelings regarding becoming a big sister or brother.
• Take your child with you during a prenatal visit to meet your doctor or midwife. Let your child listen to the baby’s heartbeat.
• Let your child feel the baby move. Tell your child what the fetus can do -- hiccup, suck her thumb, hear, kick, for example.
• Show your child photographs or videotapes of himself as a baby - especially ones showing either parent caring for him as an infant. Take out baby books and other items that your child received when she was younger.
• Have your child see or interact with a friend´s or relative´s baby. Let her see how small and unplayful a baby sometimes is. The child can see how babies are cared for by watching these parents care for their babies.
• Let your child help you pack for your trip to the hospital. Be sure to pack a picture of your child. If she is staying with someone while you are in the hospital, help her pack her bag (along with a special gift she has chosen for those who will care for her).
• If changes are to be made in room or sleeping arrangements, do this several weeks or months before the birth to prevent your child from feeling displaced by the baby. Give your child time to get accustomed to where the new baby will be.
• If you haven’t already, safety proof your home before the baby´s birth, since you all may be too busy with the new baby to do it afterwards.

Talking About Sex: Reassure your child that it is O.K. to talk about sex. Some children do not ask, so if several months go by without your child asking, maybe it´s time for you to gently provide some information. Even if they don’t ask, they do wonder.

• Read books together.
• Use correct terminology, which is just as easy to use as nicknames, and you won’t have to change the name later.
• Give as much information as is asked for, without bombarding. You may need to repeat the same information over and over. Pregnancy is a great time to approach the subject of sex, and the natural act of having babies.

While You´re In The Hospital: If you are planning a two or three day stay in the hospital, you will need to consider the possibility of separation anxiety on the part of your child. Your child´s ability to tolerate the "separation" will depend on the child´s age, length of separation, how comfortable he is with the persons caring for him, if he´s been separated from you before, and how much time he can spend with you while you´re in the hospital. A child may display their dismay at being left in different ways, such as sleeping difficulties, crying, clinging. Some suggestions to help her cope include:

• Consider making some short overnight trips to get your child accustomed to staying with someone else.
• Tell your child exactly what will happen to him when you are in the hospital - who will take care of him, where, etc. The caregiver, of course, will be someone with whom your child is comfortable.
• If possible, take your child to see where you will be staying.
• You might tape some stories for your child to listen to, and give your child a picture of you to keep. Also, you might give your child something of yours to "take care of" while you are gone.
• Of course, you should call your child every day, and tell her when you will call. Before baby arrives, you might want to make some practice calls from various places for fun.
• Get your child to make some pictures to decorate your room, and baby’s bassinet, and send home pictures of you and the baby, and one of you alone.

Adjusting To The New Baby: Life, for the older child, will never be the same after the arrival of a new baby. The two people who once provided all their attention to the older child are suddenly less attentive -- all because of the new baby! The child may react in ways varying from temper tantrums to changing in eating and sleeping habits, to aggressive behavior towards his parents or baby (hitting, biting, throwing things), or to regression. The impact may be immediate or may not hit until weeks or months after the birth.

The most important way to help your older child is to accept whatever reaction she displays as a normal reaction, and go from there. Try not to be disappointed in her. You don’t however, have to accept unacceptable behavior. The limits you set before the baby should still be reinforced, although you might want to relax them a little. When your child is pushing the limits, he is, in part, asking if life still really is the same. For a toddler, change is very frightening, and they need the secure boundaries you have set, even if they are pushing them at the same time.

These are some suggestions to ease your child´s acceptance of a new baby in the family:

• The first day home should be for you and your children. Time enough for the rest of the family.
• You can choose to have your child come with Dad to pick up Mom, or have someone watch over your child as you come home. Either way, when you greet your child, make sure your arms are empty. Have Dad or another family member hold the baby.
• Remember your child may have conflicting emotions at this time so be prepared for anything ranging from happiness, rejection, anger, to being ignored.
• A gift from you may be fun, but do not insult your child’s intelligence by saying the gift is from the baby. He probably knows the baby could not have bought the gift.
• Read books with your child about living with a new baby.
• Give your child a doll so he has a baby for which to care.
• Plan some time alone with your child each day, so you can give him your total attention.
• Respond to your child´s needs and requests as soon as possible. Ignoring him may diminish his sense of self worth at this time.
• When you are busy, it may soften the moment by saying, "my hands are busy right now". This way it doesn’t sound as if you’re too busy for your child.
• Correct your child´s negative behavior as you always have; rules should not be changed because of guilt feelings you may have for bringing "competition" into your home.
• Help your child put her feelings into words, "It sure is hard to have a baby in the house."
• Avoid saying things like "You´re going to just love your baby sister", since at first, these comments may not be totally true.
• Allow your child not to have anything to do with the baby if that´s what he wishes for a while.
• If he wants to help with the baby, let your child do things that are age appropriate: holding, entertaining, or helping to dress the baby.
• Provide new and stimulating activities that will help your child realize how much more capable he is than the baby: baking cookies, blowing bubbles, helping to wash dishes.
• The older child may feel left out when visitors bring presents for the baby. It may help to have him open them, or have special gifts for him, or wait to open them when he is not around. (Tell guests ahead of time to greet your older child first).
• If old enough, let your child make phone calls to your friends to announce the baby´s homecoming.
• Give your child mints or lollipops to announce the baby´s birth to his friends.
• As much as possible, maintain your child´s routine. Changes in routine only make adjustment more difficult.
• Don’t forget, praise and recognition go a long way.
• "Tell" the baby all about her older sibling while both are with you and listening: "Sally (baby), today Tommy (older brother) and I are going to take you to see Grandma and Grandpa. I like going out with your big brother, don’t you?"

Jealousy: Some jealousy is inevitable, the difference being how it is expressed. Some general guidelines, regardless of age:

• Admit to your child that the baby can make you angry, and show anger constructively.
• Give your child exclusive time.
• Praising your child to others goes a long way.

Handling Anger: Jealousy and anger may occur at any age, sometimes months after the baby´s birth. It helps to acknowledge the anger and to help the child talk about it or work the angry feelings out with physical activity. Always, give your child time each day and show your love…that’s the key!